Festival of Lights

We went downtown last night to the Festival of Lights with my friend Colleen, her son, and nieces. Several times last night I was thankful for all of the weight I have lost.

First, the train was packed and we crammed in to make us all fit. We wouldn't have been able to sit together had I still been large.

Walking would have been a major problem with all the weight.

Running to get to our train home - even though we missed it - wouldn't have been possible had I not lost the weight.

This year I am thankful for gastric bypass and that the insurance company approved me so quickly to have it done, and thankful for all the tools the surgery gave me to lose all this weight. I am thankful to have my health in better shape and that I am able to participate in fun, family events that I couldn't and wouldn't have tried before.

Halloween

Shelby was Dorothy from Wizard of Oz... her costume was first. I wanted to keep the theme (yeah- you know me and themes) so I went with the wicked witch - or was it a sexy witch??? This is my version of oz, OK? I found a lion costume for DJ, but he refused to portray cowardly, and the tin man costume was like $200! So he was a pirate. A dorothy, a witch and a pirate.... hmmm...

Anyways, went trick or treating in our neighborhood and we received lots of comments. People were impressed that mom and dad dressed up too. It was a lot of fun! Here are pics.

Sorry...

It's been so long since I've blogged... honestly I have been a bit depressed and my health has not been good. Thankfully though, both are under control again.

I joined facebook last night and have been re-connecting with people from Discover, high school and other various places. Its pretty neat to see pictures of what people look like now compared to how they looked in HS. Makes me wish I had kept in contact with more people. Anyways, lots of fun. If you have facebook, can I be your friend? LOL

Weight Loss - was down to 163 at my lowest, as of this morning, I weighed 169! Ummm... thinking the numbers are going in the wrong direction? I am able to tolerate much more now than before. I am drinking TOO much soda which is stopping immediately, and with Shelby's Halloween candy - let's just say, whatever a 2-year old can't or shouldn't eat, mommy has been eating. Enough already!! I didn't go through ALL of this to turn around, stretch my pouch out, and gain weight back. I need to pay attention to what I am intaking, how much, and most importantly, now that my health is under control again, EXERCISE! WOAH - me and that word do not get along!! But - somehow I have to fit it into my daily schedule. I thought working with 7 kids all under 3 would be exercise enough, but it's not and I have to face that.

So - I will be focusing on creating an exercise routine. Still - exercise or not - I am going to need a boob job. Bought a new bra - 36A!!!! OMG - before breast reduction in my early 20's, I was 38DDD; before gastric bypass I was a 52D. 36A is like non-existent!!

Dj lost his job

Last Friday, DJ was let go from work. He received 2 weeks severence and was paid out for his unused PTO. However, all benefits including health ended that day at midnight. Scarey!

DJ is actively looking for a new position and has applied for unemployment. He has been helping out at daycare, though we have had a slow week this week. He is actually considering staying home and helping out with daycare so that we can take the max. amount of children that I will be licensed for (8). I alone cannot take 8 because the more children under 2 you have, the less total children you can have. But with two providers, you can take the max of 8 regardless of age.

This would give me the opportunity to start a preschool program here in the morning, while DJ spent time with the younger children in the other room. Its also better to have two sets of eyes, ears, and hands with the children, especially when going outside, for walks, during meal times, etc... I had been considering taking on a partner or hiring an employee, but the benefits to doing that seemed to outweigh the costs of it.

It would mean we would need private insurance, which we are looking into and have applied for now. It would mean we are both locked into the family room; if Shelby gets sick we can't leave to take her to the Dr. We would have to take her to walk-in clinic after hours. It would mean (from what I can tell) we would mak the same amount of money as we were when he was working at Edstrom, we could get rid of the second car and the car insurance and the gas to fuel the car.

So - pending our research into this further and the tax implications, DJ might become Daddy Daycare! LOL

Volleyball anyone?

So - I cannot even tell you how many years it has been since I've played volleyball. I vaguely remember playing after high school with my mom at her work league, but I don't think that was too long after high school.

A few weekends ago, Grandma Bielawa from Arizona was in for a visit and DJ, Shelby and I went out to the cottage for an all-day visit. Two things eventful happened:

One: I went swimming in the camps swimming pool! I never would have even considered wearing a suit before in front of Turner Camp people. These are my in-laws friends and people that were invited to my wedding and baby shower. No way Jose! But I proudly put on my new suit (size 10) and went down to the pool, lose skin and all. No shame!

Two: We played sand volleyball (5 people to a team) and played 3 games - my team won 2!!! I tried to get a picture of me playing to prove that I really did play, I will post that here later on. Not that great of a pic!

It's so nice to be out enjoying life again, instead of hiding behind big clothes and excess weight.

Dreaded Asthma

(Uncle KC and Shelby)

Since I quit smoking when I found out we were pregnant with Shelby, I haven't really had to use my inhaler much. So little in fact, that the inhalers expire before I ever need to use them.

End of June I got sick with an upper respiratory (a wonderful con of running a daycare) and ever since then, my asthma has spiraled out of control!

I can honestly say that having an asthma attack is one of the scariest things to happen to me. Not only does it feel like I am suffocating, but it feels like there is a MACK truck sitting on my chest and I just can't get it off so that I can take in a breath.

Its so bad right now that I have been giving myself breathing treatments several times a day as well as taking steroids. I went to walk in clinic last monday to get the steroids, and then I went to the ER Friday Am because I couldn't get through an attack on my own. They gave me IV steroids, magnesium, and an hour long breathing treatment. He wanted to admit me, but me being me, figured I would get more rest at home than at a hospital and quite frankly, all I wanted to do was sleep and chill out.

I can't sleep - I have a horrible dry cough - and it feels like someone is squeezing me around my chest really hard. I hate that I have asthma and I feel sorry for the young children out there that have it and can't help themselves as well as I can. Its a scarey disease to have.

More food for thought

Been very busy with school, daycare and family that I haven't had much time to think about my success.

Friday marked 1 year since I had gastric bypass surgery. Down 155 lbs, I feel better than I have in years and have no regrets with having the surgery.

I was doing laundry tonight thinking about how easy it has been doing laundry lately. I mean, it doesn't take me as long because there aren't as many loads to do, and its easier to put away. But why the change? I still do laundry once a week - though now its a different day usually. I still wear work clothes and play clothes even though I work from home (scrubs for daycare). Nothing has changed with DJ.

Maybe because my clothes have gotten smaller, they take up less space. Thus creating LESS piles of laundry, allowing me to do laundry faster and put it away faster!

Another PRO of having surgery and getting my health under control!

(Picture is Shelby doing the sign for (and making the sounds for) - M O N K E Y!)

New Haircut

OK - I did it! Cut it all off. Here are the pics!

Do I dare to touch my hair?

DJ likes longer hair - one of the things he told me when we first started chatting online, then on the phone. He hasn't really said one way or another since then (10 years), but I have this image in my head that I need to keep longer hair to be sexy to my husband.

But I notice lately he isn't looking at my hair - he's looking at my butt, my breasts, my legs, my eyes... WOOHOO for me - I AM SEXY to my husband!!

So - time to completely change my hairdo!!! I have to go get my highlights and lowlights done why not do something fun with my hair? My appt. is Thursday and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about different hairstyles and what to do.

I have been a fat girl for a long time, I used my hair to hide behind. So lets cut it off! I havent changed my color since beauty school - but it's a nice color and fits my skin tone well. I throw my hair up everyday - even on the weekends. What's the point if you can't see it?

So - I am doing it, totally just convinced myself to do it. Wonder what I will choose? Pics coming...

Upcoming Wedding

We have two weddings to attend in June - the Hain's youngest daughter, Jamie this Saturday and Dawn and John at the end of the month. Obviously, I had nothing that fit so a shopping trip was in order.

I found one dress at Dress Barn - size 14 - but I have mixed opinions on it. I think the pattern on it throws some people. So I found another dress at Coldwater Creek (is this my new favorite store?) that is a size 14, chocolate brown - a sort of empire waist, a line skirt. This is the dress I will wear to the weddings.

Now - I had no idea what type or color of shoes I would need for this dress. I haven't worn anything other than flats in like 10 + years. My husband is taller than me by maybe an inch or two, so I don't want to be too tall, but the idea of something sexy with a slight heal sounded a lot of fun to me.

One of my daycare kids father's suggested gold strappy spiked low heels. *laugh* That should be easy enough to find huh? Several stores later I decided on borrowing shoes from mom. Hey - it means no more running around looking for shoes and a little less off my plate this week - so why not. Still... wondering where else I could have looked without paying a fortune.

Size 12 BABY!

I haven't had time to post, but went clothes shopping for myself at the outlet mall and I fit into and purchased size 12 Coldwater Creek jeans! They aren't loose in any way, but I am still able to sit and bend over and be active in them. DJ likes them - he stares at my butt I noticed *giggle*. I had just purchased the same jeans in size 14 two weeks before and they were already starting to get loose, even after washing them. I don't think realistically I could go down any more pant sizes than 12 - I mean, can I?

realization

I should NOT wear sleeveless or short sleeve shirts. I should NOT wear a swimsuit or shorts. I should not wear shirts that don't come ALL the way down. These things will not change with the more weight I lose - they will get worse. The loose skin under my arms resembles wings - a few more pounds and I should be able to take flight - where should I go?

I know all of these things, but at the same time, I knew going into the surgery that I would have loose skin. And yes, there are things that can be done (with a lot of $$), but we want to have another child and I won't have any surgeries to fix things until after Austin is born *crosses her fingers*... meanwhile - I have come to the realization that I DON'T CARE! I finally don't have to hide under extra large clothes, or long pants in 90 + degree weather, or a jacket over a short sleeved shirt because I am hiding inside my clothes. I have lost 140 lbs so far and I look better than I have in 14 years - I have more energy, more ambition, more confidence and I intend to wear short sleeve shirts and a swimsuit and shorts.... I doubt I will wear a sleeveless dress though - I mean - usually a formal event, I don't want to take flight during someone's wedding nuptials.

I was able to see a surgery buddy of mine's before and after pics in bra and panties and I realized that we have the same loose skin in the same spots. I imagine all of us post ops do. Thank God I am not alone in this journey and that I have people who are willing to share with me their experience so I don't feel like such a freak.

Bike Ride

I finally got DJ to put air in my bike tires and I picked up his bike from his parents. Then we went out and bought a child bike seat (after lots of research on trailers and seats) and last night for the first time in say... 10 years... we went for a bike ride!!! I thought I was going to be sore and have a hard time, especially since the child seat was installed on my bike... but it was fun and I did really well!

I thought we would just drive once around the subdivision, but we drove around ours, and BOTH of the ones adjacent to ours!

So the plan now is to have dinner ready when DJ gets home from work, then go for a bike ride each night. This counts as exercise and hopefully it will help the loose skin on my legs and lower back. GO TEAM WEISS!

140 down!!

Today I got on the scale and expected nothing - I mean the weight loss has dramatically slowed down, as expected. 193!! That means I am down 140 lbs and feeling terrific.

We went to meet Shelby's new pediatrician yesterday and she asked about DJ and I's medical history - of course, nothing really for DJ, but for me there is a long list. When I mentioned that I am 9 months post op gastric bypass, her eyeballs about popped out of her head! She couldn't believe that I had been so heavy and that I had lost so much weight so fast. It was very flattering that a Dr. would be so amazed with my success! BTW - love the new pediatrician and its so close to home. Part of Children's Memorial which to me, is better than Aurora Medical Center. Very happy. Next step for transferring doctors is to meet DJ and I's new dentist. UGH - I hate dentists - they always want to drill on my mouth.

Fun stuff.

We bought tickets to go see Elmo Makes Music at Rosemont Theatre on Mothers Day! Shelby had such a wonderful time at the circus and she behaved so well in her booster seat, we thought we would try our luck again. Although she is really into the Backyardigans right now, she still sleeps with her Elmo and she still likes Elmo on Sesame Street. Hopefully, she will enjoy it as much as we will enjoy watching her! Happy Mother's Day!

Still a woman...

BTW - I still have my period and its now been 4 or 5 weeks. Its not a steady flow and its not strong enough for a tampon on most days, but still there none the less. When should I contact my OBGYN about it? When is it not normal?

Jiggle and shake...

My dr. said that because of my age, my skin should bounce back after a dramatic weight loss. I am here to tell you - it just isn't so! There are two places: my upper arms (under side) and my inner thighs. You'd think that these two places would be discreet and that no one other than my husband will see it. WRONG! What about short sleeves? Each day I wear scrubs (the kind nurses wear) for my daycare attire and each day when I raise my arms to do whatever (singing and dancing, SOO big, TA-DA!, etc...) I feel my underarm wings flapping around. Also, the stretch marks have gotten darker so that it appears like I have a huge cluster of blackheads!! Its absolutely disgusting. My inner thighs are terrible! I was running the other day and I felt areas jiggling that haven't jiggled and SHOULDN'T be jiggling! It was gross and strange. So how do I fix it?

EXERCISE! I need to desperately start an official, REAL routine! But how? Daycare runs 6:30 - 5:30 PM, then I have to clean-up, do dishes, make dinner, clean-up, do dishes, spend time with DJ and Shelby, do paperwork, do homework, go grocery shopping, work on menus, check and send emails, work on my licensing, etc... I usually go to bed around 10 PM or so completely exhausted to turn around and do it all again the next day. My to do list gets longer and longer and it feels like I am running out of time. I wanted to start home daycare so that I can spend more quality time with my daughter and ensure she is getting the best care possible - but am I really achieving what I set out to do? Then - to try to fit exercise into it all? Where? Yes - I have more energy than I have had in years and I get a lot of exercise running around after toddlers and infants all day and cleaning and doing and going all day - but its not steady, formal, weight lifting, toning type exercise. *sigh* I wonder how expensive it is to clone myself?

Pool season is coming and although I am looking forward to buyng a much smaller swimsuit, I know that it will still have to be a swimdress to cover what I can of the nasty areas. And who do I really want to see me that way? I want to take Shelby to a waterpark and go down slides and tubing and such... but who am I kidding? I am not exposing all that!

Seems to me I should be happy that I've lost so much weight and be proud of my new healthier body, instead of ashamed and embarrassed. But saying it and feeling it are very different things.

Surgery is an option - but my Dr. says to wait until after we have our second child... why spend time and money to fix what is going to get misplaced again anyways? And I have to give my body a chance to settle in at the weight its going to stay at. Not to mention, surgery is expensive!

For now, I will try to take walks to the parks instead of drive, I will try to park further away instead of in handicap, and I will try to do strength training with my bands when I can. But if anyone out there has any clue as to how to fit a square peg into a round hole (referring to all the things I have to do a day with the short time given to do it), I certainly would appreciate it.

Old faded blue jeans...

I totally forgot to mention that two weeks ago, I fit into my old (10 years +), classic fit, faded blue jeans that I have been keeping forever! They are size 18 and I am more of a size 16 now in todays fashions. I had such a hard time getting them on over my tush when I went to size 18 - I was disappointed. But then I realized that jeans today fit very different for us women than they did 10+ years ago. So now that I am a size 16, I fit in them! I think I might actually be getting closer to a 14 at this point, but I haven't bought anything new since Christmas.

I cannot justify spending the money on clothes that will fit me for a moment in time. Although, it was 60 degrees here yesterday and we were out at the park. I needed a light coat so I tossed on my old wind breaker (size 30/32). I was swimming in it! I have to go get a new light jacket because it looked terrible on me.

ONEDERLAND!

I DID IT! As of this morning, I am 199.8 lbs and down 134 lbs! I am now in ONE-DERLAND! It has taken me a little over 8 months to get here and a lot of hard work, and it certainly feels wonderful!!

It stinks being a woman...

Even though I have Meridia (IUD), I still get my monthly visitor and I stillo get bloating and weight gain. Because of the recently installed device, my periods are irregular. I have had it now for almost 3 weeks off an on. So needless to say, I have been stuck at 202. I just cannot seem to get below 200 - get into the century club! People say I look much thinner that what the scales tell me and thats terrific, but I want the scale to say it as well. I am hoping to move into the 100's within the next week here. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Exercise... or not!

This is my place to be honest...

I do not exercise formally. Who has the time? But if taking care of 2-4 children under 2 1/2 years old, running up and down the stairs (sometimes with 25 lbs of weight) at least 50 times a day, and going non-stop until 10 PM at night, counts as exercise, then I am QUEEN!

When the kids nap, I wash dishes, reset the room, check email, take the dog out, and maybe sit for a few minutes. I suppose I could work my therapy bands in during this time.

Once class calms down, licensing is over and done with, and I have most of the business things organized and all set, I could ride the bike or go for a walk in the evening, alone (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) or with Ms. Shelby and Mr. Weiss. Ahhh... I never said this when I was very heavy - but I desperately want spring to arrive.

Who'd have thought??

When I started on this journey, I made a list of all the things I hope to be able to do again after I lose the weight. One thing that never crossed my mind is shaving my legs...

At some point, I didnt have to move anything out of the way to get to my legs.

At some point, it started taking me less time to shave my legs.

At some point, I didn't have to hold my breath to shave my legs.

Now... why is it that I don't shave my legs more often? *grin*

Did I mention...

That my dear husband can get his arms all the way around me and then some for a wonderful hug? Oh my goodness, that is the most amazing thing. I didnt even realize before that he couldnt and that his embrace felt different. But now that we are here at this moment and he can, I long to be in his arms more and more. I wonder if he notices that I am constantly trying to get into his embrace. I wonder if he notices the small changes in me...

Embarrassed

I am finding that I am embarrassed lately by my weight loss. People notice, complete strangers that I have lost a ton of weight. They make comments and I brush them off flippantly. I say, Oh I lost so much weight because I had surgery. Like I didn't have to do anything! The surgery was a tool, but I did the work, right?

This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Yet I find myself scrunching down a bit more to hide from comments. Why am I not feeling proud?

Strange muscle pains

Today I am 7 months post op, down 122 lbs and for the most part, feeling better than I have since high school. I will post a picture taken yesterday of Shelby and I at the circus that shows my weight loss. Pretty amazing.

Mom mentioned today she thinks I am getting too thin, but how can that be if I am not even under 200 lbs yet!

Today I went to the lab to have blood drawn to test all my levels post op, test my thyroid levels and my cholesterol. Obviously the results aren't back yet so I dont know if the strange muscle pains I am feeling in my upper legs is from a deficiency or something else. But it started a few days ago at a dull roar and now has worked up into a pretty intense pain. So bad that I packed up Shelby to go to the Target to get out and walk to stretch, thinking that might help. I took a hot bath and asked DJ to rub my legs as hard as he could. Nothing seems to have helped. I haven't tried tylenol yet, will try that when I am done here.

I just hope that my muscles arent deteriorating or eating themselves or something. I still hear horror stories about WLS and even though my surgery has gone very well and my recovery even better, whose to say something cant go wrong this far down the road.

On another note, one of my classmates (in my Introduction to the child Care Profession class) also had WLS 3 years ago! She was over 400 lbs when she started and is now 260 pregnant with her first child. She intends to have cosmetic surgery to remove lose skin and fix other annoying areas, but because of the unplanned pregnancy, now has to wait. It is nice to meet someone so much further post op.

117 Lbs Lost

As of this morning, I am down 117 lbs. I feel pretty good usually and seem to tolerate more than other post ops. I am 6 months post op and usually get my protein and my water intake in. I usually get my multi-vitamin and my thyroid medicine in, but sometimes forget to take the B1 and Calcium later in the day. I am learning through trial and error what is tolerable and how much. For instance, I love BBQ potato chips. Before surgery, I would sit and eat the whole bag, or darn near close to it. Now, as a treat, I grab a bag and eat a few chips, slowly, savoring the flavor. I can eat about 14 chips or so before I start to feel sick. So the surgery has helped me learn moderation and self-control.

When I look down at my legs, they no longer look like my legs. The bones stick out and everything is beginning to become quite lean. I can feel my hips and they stick out a bit now. I am in no way skinny nor am I under 200 lbs yet, but I feel like a changed woman and would be content with the weight I've lost so far, if I were to stop losing weight now. However, I hope to lose another 51 lbs, and my dr. hopes for me to lose another 41 lbs. I think the next lbs will come off much more slowly, and it will be harder for me to get it off. If only I can get workouts in every day or a few times a week. I am so busy though working, running the household, taking care of shelby, going to school, and working towards licensing, that its hard for me to get any time for myself.

I am at home now; I run a Home Daycare and get to spend all my time with Shelby. Its a lot of hard work and I am currently going through the licensing process. Also, I am back in class again at Gateway Technical College. Right now I am taking the classes required for licensing, but they can be applied to a degree in Early Childhood Education. There are many classes they offer that sound interesting and I might just take those for now. Once I run out of classes to take that are fun, I will see where I am at and determine then if I should apply for the degree program (and transfer the credits) or just stop. It would be nice to have an associate teaching degree, and it will take me many years going part time one or two classes at at ime, but I have no intentions of working as a teacher - at this point. I'd like to have the knowledge to teach the children in my care and offer the parents a high quality choice for child care. But things always change, so we will see where this goes.

I miss Discover a lot. Talking and laughing each day, hearing how everyone is doing, going out to lunch... My life is very different now. I laugh each day, a lot, and we do a lot of talking... but I miss the adult interactions during the day. I do not miss the commute, FOR SURE. But I miss my boss and the feeling of being needed and respected for my hard work.

I don't write much here because I forget about the blog a lot and I am not sure anyone is reading other than me anyways. If you like to read my blog, let me know by leaving a comment!